Tearing My House Down

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Proverbs 14:1

Lately I have been reflecting on my life and I haven't really like what I have seen. First I have seen repeatedly how most of my decisions have been made for selfish reasons. Secondly I see that I have been as the foolish woman that tears down her house. This verse has been like a knife in my soul and I know that it applies to me. There are so many examples that I could give for how this verse applies but I will choose only the most obvious one.

I have torn my house down when it comes to finances. When dh and I first married we both decided that we would not have credit cards. Well, on our honeymoon we were offered one while shopping and applied only to get a discount on our purchase. We were of course approved and that is when all of the trouble started.

At first I only bought things that we needed. But being newlyweds with nothing we seemed to need a lot. And then Christmas came and being foolish I had done no planning. So we bought gifts with the card and we bought expensive gifts. This continued as the babies came. I would get depressed and bored and go buy things we "needed" and then things we didn't, to make myself feel better. The debt grew and the house we started out only owing $49,000 on we owed more on because we refinanced "to help us get out of debt". What a joke. Now during all this time I was the chief bill payer and budget controller. Now after our refinance and equity loan we did it again. I got us up to a very high number in debt. It was so bad that I couldn't pay the minimum payments and life was a nightmare. I needed to do something and my first step in changing and admitting I had a problem at least in this area was to contact a Consumer Credit Counseling Agency. I did this and for over a year I paid $1000 a month on our debt. This lowered our balance a bit, but I couldn't keep up the payments. I had to take Direct Deposit Advances from the bank every paycheck of $500 to just stay afloat. This was a disaster and I was drowning, and my husband was also. I hurt so much when I realize how much I have hurt my husband in this and not blessed him. Well knowing that this couldn't continue my husband suggested bankruptcy. I was adamant against it, but I knew I couldn't go on any longer. So I contacted the lawyer and we proceeded with the bankruptcy. Now we only have our mortgage and equity loan to repay and it has been a huge weight off of my shoulders. But now I have to face the truth and change. We are still only scraping by, but this is the first year of our marriage that I am not borrowing to pay for Christmas. Whatever I buy or do I pay for and in that way I have grown. But now I am trying to be faithful and be the wise woman that builds her house. I have started by writing a budget and I am trying to learn to live on it. I have a payment schedule set up to pay off our Equity loan and then the mortgage. I have a budget set up and now I know that the only way these plans can succeed is with the Lord's help. In this way I feel I have grown and changed. But I have so many areas that need to be changed in my life so that someday my husband can "praise me in the city gates". And I so want to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant". My husband is so forgiving and encouraging, he just reminds me to keep my eyes on what is ahead and not to mire in the past.

I have mixed feelings about filing bankruptcy. I feel like a failure. I feel like the Lord got us through that year of CCCS, and He would have gotten us through 5 more years on it, so we should have just stuck with it. I also feel like we have no extra money now, and it was a miracle that we survived that year on CCCS so we did the right thing. Having your debts forgiven is not an unbiblical principal, so I don't feel like we sinned, I just feel very irresponsible.

I share this to show how I have been tearing my house down. But the Lord in His mercy and goodness is opening my eyes and changing me. And with Him I have seen a lot of growth in my heart recently and I see how much more needs to happen. So the pain is fresh in my heart and I know that the Lord will transform me into a wise woman. I am clinging to this verse now as I look to Him.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:18