Tearing My House Down

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Proverbs 14:1

Lately I have been reflecting on my life and I haven't really like what I have seen. First I have seen repeatedly how most of my decisions have been made for selfish reasons. Secondly I see that I have been as the foolish woman that tears down her house. This verse has been like a knife in my soul and I know that it applies to me. There are so many examples that I could give for how this verse applies but I will choose only the most obvious one.

I have torn my house down when it comes to finances. When dh and I first married we both decided that we would not have credit cards. Well, on our honeymoon we were offered one while shopping and applied only to get a discount on our purchase. We were of course approved and that is when all of the trouble started.

At first I only bought things that we needed. But being newlyweds with nothing we seemed to need a lot. And then Christmas came and being foolish I had done no planning. So we bought gifts with the card and we bought expensive gifts. This continued as the babies came. I would get depressed and bored and go buy things we "needed" and then things we didn't, to make myself feel better. The debt grew and the house we started out only owing $49,000 on we owed more on because we refinanced "to help us get out of debt". What a joke. Now during all this time I was the chief bill payer and budget controller. Now after our refinance and equity loan we did it again. I got us up to a very high number in debt. It was so bad that I couldn't pay the minimum payments and life was a nightmare. I needed to do something and my first step in changing and admitting I had a problem at least in this area was to contact a Consumer Credit Counseling Agency. I did this and for over a year I paid $1000 a month on our debt. This lowered our balance a bit, but I couldn't keep up the payments. I had to take Direct Deposit Advances from the bank every paycheck of $500 to just stay afloat. This was a disaster and I was drowning, and my husband was also. I hurt so much when I realize how much I have hurt my husband in this and not blessed him. Well knowing that this couldn't continue my husband suggested bankruptcy. I was adamant against it, but I knew I couldn't go on any longer. So I contacted the lawyer and we proceeded with the bankruptcy. Now we only have our mortgage and equity loan to repay and it has been a huge weight off of my shoulders. But now I have to face the truth and change. We are still only scraping by, but this is the first year of our marriage that I am not borrowing to pay for Christmas. Whatever I buy or do I pay for and in that way I have grown. But now I am trying to be faithful and be the wise woman that builds her house. I have started by writing a budget and I am trying to learn to live on it. I have a payment schedule set up to pay off our Equity loan and then the mortgage. I have a budget set up and now I know that the only way these plans can succeed is with the Lord's help. In this way I feel I have grown and changed. But I have so many areas that need to be changed in my life so that someday my husband can "praise me in the city gates". And I so want to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant". My husband is so forgiving and encouraging, he just reminds me to keep my eyes on what is ahead and not to mire in the past.

I have mixed feelings about filing bankruptcy. I feel like a failure. I feel like the Lord got us through that year of CCCS, and He would have gotten us through 5 more years on it, so we should have just stuck with it. I also feel like we have no extra money now, and it was a miracle that we survived that year on CCCS so we did the right thing. Having your debts forgiven is not an unbiblical principal, so I don't feel like we sinned, I just feel very irresponsible.

I share this to show how I have been tearing my house down. But the Lord in His mercy and goodness is opening my eyes and changing me. And with Him I have seen a lot of growth in my heart recently and I see how much more needs to happen. So the pain is fresh in my heart and I know that the Lord will transform me into a wise woman. I am clinging to this verse now as I look to Him.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:18

I Had Such A Lovely Time

I had such a lovely time reading Martha's Blog. She is so down to earth and it was so refreshing to spend a few minutes reading through her entries.

I was so encouraged as I read her entry about growing up in a large family. It was a blessing to see the good things about it. Lately I have been struggling with fear about my children growing up and being resentful of growing up in our family because we are poor by some standards. It is encouraging to read that even though her family wasn't rich, she was happy and had not bad feelings to being raised in a full house. So, stop on by her blog and I now that you will have a wonderful time!

Uninspired

Lately I have just been feeling so uninspired to write anything. When I have a few moments to blog my mind just goes blank. Throughout the day I may have a moment when I have thoughts to blog on, but it happens when I am right in the middle of doing something with my children like school. Or when I am preparing dinner. I can't just stop and blog so I forget, sigh. So this has been a dry spell for me.

The past couple days I also have been feeling a bit down. Part of it I am sure is that I got a flu bug and whenever I am sick I am more prone to my emotions being blue. I am hoping that I am feeling better today because two days of yucky are more than enough!

My heart has been thinking about my husband and children and how I haven't been caring for them in the way I ought to be. This has troubled my heart a lot, and I am continuously crying out to the Lord to give me victory in this area. Recently I had been struggling with a recurrent sin. I couldn't seem to make any headway with it. But the Lord has given me victory over it and I know that as I look to Him daily, He will continue to give me victory. Having seen that growth in my life recently I know that He can work the changes in me that need to be so I can minister to and bless my family properly.

Well my quiet moment to blog is up, my little Brook is awake and wanting her special snuggle time with Mommy. I know my thoughts were disconnected and kind of pointless today, but I just wanted to share some of what is going on in my heart.

My Financial Notebook

I made this past weekend a notebook to manage our family's finances better. I took and old Trapper Keeper notebook, you know the kind that has folders and velcros closed. In my notebook I have a pencil pouch with my checkbooks, address labels and pens/pencils. Next I have forms that I designed to write in my monthly bills, this way I know exactly what needs to be paid each month and I don't forget anything. I start a new sheet each month. After those forms is a folder where I can put the bills that need to be paid. Next is another folder of a different color that has the forms I designed for my accounts. Each form has a column for the checking account and then 8 budget columns. With these forms I can keep track of each budget category on one sheet. Next I have a folder with forms for keeping track of debt balances. For us this means the mortgage balance. And finally I have a folder to put paid bills in until I file them. In the back of the binder I have a pad of paper for jotting notes and I have many notes written down to keep us on track, lol!

With this system I am hoping to meet some of our ultimate financial goals, and allow us to have financial peace. If you are interested in viewing the forms I made, they are available for you to use here. You do have to join the group, but it isn't a group for mail. It is only basically where I can store printable forms I make.

Fiddling Around

This weekend I spent some time fiddling around with my sidebar. I added a link to the current book I am reading (just beginning it, I am so excited). And I added a section with links to daily bible readings. These correspond the the read through the year schedule that I am using. I has come from my Motivated Mom's planner that I have been trying. I like the planner a lot, although I don't print out the pages and use them as is, I write in the chores to my current system.

I hope that having easy access to daily bible readings is a blessing for someone. I know it is for me. Well, I am tired tonight and my brain I think has gone to sleep already. I think I will take my body to bed. Goodnight.

Irritation With Kids

Sometimes my children bounce off the walls. They aren't really behaving badly, they are just being energetic children. But it irritates me. I get crabby and frustrated and try to make them STOP. Basically what I want them to do is be little adults. Hello, they aren't. So as they were doing their evening ritual of playing loudly and having a good time I sat and pondered why it drives me nuts. This is what I came up with:

• I'm jealous. They can run and jump and have a great time and still have energy and it doesn't hurt them. My body aches all over and with one jump I need a nap.
• I have to be concerned for safety and they don't give it a second thought. I can't afford more bandaids.
• If something is broken it is me that is responsible to fix it and train them better.
• And I don't want to be responsible, I want to play too, with no consequences.
• It's loud and I am so tired and old, that I LIKE silence.
• Somehow sharp small objects always end up on the floor of the hallway at night and I get to step on them in the middle of the night when visiting the restroom. In a household of small adults this would almost NEVER be a concern.
• Sometimes people do get hurt, emotionally and physically and it never occurs to them. I have to always be diligent.
• And I am so tired, I get tired of being diligent. And they always want to play around me when I have just settled down into a comfortable position.

So thinking about this I see it really is a problem within myself of my own selfishness. Now I do think that there is a time and a place to be wild and have fun. But if the only reasons I have for them not doing so at a certain time is because of ME than I need to keep my mouth closed and let them be children for as long as they can. Life will make them tired, old and cranky soon enough. For now they can be free.

My Miss Brook

Tonight I was working at my computer printing out some things and my Miss Brook came over and asked me (by pointing) for some paper. I didn't want to give her any as I am almost out so I searched for something else for her. She saw a 3 prong folder and wanted it, so I gave it to her. Now Miss Brook is smart, she remembered that a couple months ago I put some paper in those types of folders, so she started gesturing towards the paper again. I thought it was so cute that I went ahead and punched some paper and put it into the folder for her. She was so happy with her "coloring" book. Honestly I was surprised that she remembered what those folders were for. Because she is a slow talker (due to being tongue-tied) I forget just how smart she is. Oh and even though she just turned 2 at the end of August, she is now drawing circular and triangular shapes and then she puts lines coming out of them. She has already moved past just scribbling. Can you tell I am a proud Mama?

Doing When You Don't Want To

Today I have been trying to get my school room in order. This room has become the dump room and now it seems impossible to get the "dump" out of it. Each time I pick up an item and try to find a home for it, I can't find one single spot to put it. So I just start a new pile for whatever it happens to be. This is getting old. But I have to keep trying even though I don't want to. I just keep going and hope that eventually I will figure out what to do with the junk or get frustrated enough to throw it out.

This gets me to thinking about how life is very much about doing things we don't want to do and finding joy in it. I mean not many people enjoy washing dishes but it must be done. And since we have to do it we might as well enjoy it while we are doing it. At least the results anyway. The hard part comes when you are doing, doing, doing and rarely see results. Which brings us back to dishes which are basically neverending when you have a large family. It is up to me to enjoy doing them even when I know as soon as I turn my back somebody is going to be hungry and dirty them up again. Here is another one, changing poopy diapers. Not many are super eager to do this, but it needs to be done. Now a good mother doesn't cringe and make sour faces at her darling baby when she changes the diaper. She will make happy talk with the baby while changing the offending diaper. The mother has made a choice to find joy in the unpleasant job she must do.

Yep, life is full of yucky stuff. But how we respond to all the yucky stuff life has and is, is what makes us be a blessing to others or a bitter and dried up person. I want to be a blessing and joy to those around me. So even now as I feel as if I want to cry in my unending battle with my school room, I will take a deep breath and go back to the battle with a smile on my face. And while I am back there I will thank my Lord for all He has blessed me with to be so cluttered.

What I Am Going to Do

Over the next weeks I am going to check out other blogs and post my thoughts about some here so others can enjoy some of the other great blogs out there. I was browsing through me blog list this morning, and saw some really great ones. So I am going to focus on one at a time and share how each on has touched me.

Today we are going to a corn maze. These are so much fun! The kids are able to run around and have a blast! David is staying home with Brook while she naps and the children and I are carpooling with my mom. We haven't gone all together anywhere since about June, so I am really excited.

My closet is getting fuller with gifts that are wrapped up for Christmas and ready to go. Pretty soon I will have to find other places to store things.

I keep having deep moments while commuting and then I can't write my thoughts down to share here on the blog. Because of course in the busyness of life I forget and move on. It seems that all I do is go and go and go lately. Oh well I am sure that things will slow down eventually.

I have lost 18 pounds since I started my diet on July 18. Slow but steady I guess. I have 45 more pounds to go which feels like a million to me sometimes.

Well enough talking about nothing for now. I need to make sure everyone is ready for our adventure!

I removed the word verification for comments

I removed word verification from comments, because I had suspicions that it might be causing problems from a note from a reader of one of my other blogs. If it has caused problems for you would you mind leaving a comment to let me know?

Thanks.

Proverbs 28:7

I read Proverbs 28 today for my devotion time and these were my thoughts.

He who keeps the law is a discerning son,
What is the law? The law is:

He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' Luke 10:27

but a companion of gluttons disgraces his father.
Who is our father? God. What is a glutton? One who is ruled by his selfish desires.

Glutton
(Deut. 21:20), Heb. zolel, from a word meaning "to shake out," "to squander;" and hence one who is prodigal, who wastes his means by indulgence. In Prov. 23:21, the word means debauchees or wasters of their own body. In Prov. 28:7, the word (pl.) is rendered Authorized Version "riotous men;" Revised Version, "gluttonous." Matt. 11:19, Luke 7:34, Greek phagos, given to eating, gluttonous.

As I thought of this, I realized how much I don't want to disgrace my Father by following my selfish desires. How much I want to follow the law by Loving my Lord.